Is time a healer?

Many warned me that the second year of bereavement might be more dreadful than the first, and they have been correct. The roadmap of this second year is,  of course, littered with milestones. The second year had milestones passed from everything like the New Year, our daughter’s birthday, our wedding day, your birthday, my birthday, and finally, your death anniversary date, and I have passed all of them. The road we both wanted to walk together now looks bumpy and rough, and the distance seems longer than ever.

Our wedding anniversary passed this year, and it was the worst day I would consider during this grief journey. Regi, your love blessed my life in ways I am still discovering, and I am selfishly devoted to keeping your legacy alive – not just for me but for our child and everyone whose life you touched. Grieving is a normal, natural reaction to loss. When we lose someone we love, birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays are emotional triggers, and you have been etched into my soul and forever written into the pages of my heart.

Today is the 2nd year of remembrance day, and it is 723 days since 20th Dec 2020. Time flies over us but leaves its shadow behind. I do my daily chores with hope, but passing through a few places hurts me and reminds me of those painful events. The whole of Chennai haunts me, and my eyes get diluted whenever I pass these landmarks. Especially when I cross Kumaran Hospitals, my anger reaches its peak as it triggers a series of scenes you went through there. It is a nightmare you underwent, but with so much courage, you handled it gracefully. If I go further to Egmore, I see the Sacred heart church every Friday, and you make it a point to visit and seek his mercy. The road further leads me to the marina beach, and your college stands old, but your shadow stands tall, and it reminds me of your passion for teaching.

The busy Santhome high road takes me to the besant Nagar church, and you ensure that we visit the Velankani Church first Saturday of every month. We always stopped at Sangeetha for breakfast when we returned from besant Nagar and at TTK road, the infamous Aavarna you admire for their elegant dresses you like to choose. As we hit Kasturi Rangan road, I recollect your favourite ice cream shop, The Amelies. And if I come through the Shivaji Ganesan road in T Nagar, it reminds me of the charity you offer to the St. Theresa orphanage. Further toward Nungambakkam, I still remember the golden sun restaurant, where we celebrated our daughter’s first birthday, and your fashion in wearing elegant jewels you bought from VBJ at Gemini circle. As I drove past Valluvar Kottam, I was only amazed by the network you had built and the text messages promptly delivered to your mobile for all their exhibitions.

Further, I drive down to Chetpet. I remember your love for the beautiful chapel inside the little sisters of the poor compound on Harrington road and the Dynasty restaurant, where you enjoyed the Chinese dishes, especially the beef fry and the shredded lamb with honey. It will not be correct if I miss mentioning the Anjeer Barfi you like from Sree Mithai in Spur tank road. As I move to reach Anna Nagar, I recollect your first job at Anna Adharsh College, your favourite beauty parlour – Kanya in Shanthi colony, the pasta from Pantry Dor and the Pizza from Café Arabica and it goes on and on, non-stop. Every day you appear and show up in some form for me to stay in touch with you.

Since I recall Kanya your regular salon, you visit to take care of your skin wellness, and this lady called on your old mobile number to check since you have not been there for a long time. She cried and sobbed and didn’t believe that you were no more. Even after two years, I am not able to accept your absence. You practised your well-being and joy in every season of womanhood. All I have to remember is your beautiful gorgeous face and reassuring smile. You lived your life to suit your lifestyle, career, fashion, beauty, food, home and outdoor travel. You are a career girl and demonstrated your passion even during your last few months to tute your students, conduct online classes, prepare the university question papers and manage the semester exams. The lifestyle for you was habits, attitudes, and moral standards, which constitute the way of life. 

I hear you whispering to me, saying keep going. You are the one who keeps me moving every day, and I don’t apply any rules while I undergo this painful journey, and there are no rules to mourn the right or the wrong way. I have learnt that there are people with my condition who feel better soon than expected, while people like me take a longer time to accept. There are at times I feel guilty about laughing at a joke or willing to visit a friend. I don’t try to ignore my grief. I wonder how other dear and near ones of you can manage this grief, and I know what you mean to me is not the same for others. This world is cruel and opportunistic to take mileage out of the situation and you being no more.

Life is full of surprises, and the world is full of deception, but I look at it positively even though I undergo this landmark trauma when I go around the city. I relish the memories of those moments we spent together. I keep moving while the grief remains, but the grace of time and the warmth of love slowly soften the furry against the emptiness. I hope that as I grow stronger and wiser, the heat of passionate grief will subside and forge a deeper connection with you. The pain of loss tempered not the love; on the contrary, the love has humbly and gracefully evolved into an everyday act of love. In times of sorrow, a comforting love brings strength when I am afraid and a fond smile at the thought of your face.

I miss you, especially during this season of Christmas, the marzipan cakes, the rich plum cake you care to prepare, and the smell of those tasty cakes you bake. The balance you apply with the ingredients like the almond, cashews, flour, butter, eggs, sugar and vanilla extract to get the best is not the mix but your thoughtfulness and experience. You could have stayed back for a little more time but not at the cost of the acute pain you were undergoing, and I find solace to the extent that you left this rude and crude world, which is not worthy for a wonderful person like you to suffer here.

To say I miss you can in no way explain my loss, and I understand that life goes on even with a broken heart. I am searching for you and sure to find you, and soon we will meet again! These blogs, I pen, are a creative way to process my grief and pain and express my attachment to you.

One Reply to “A Dreadful Journey – Is Time A Healer? ”

  1. Regi Akka not a day passes by without thinking about you. I have always looked up to you as my role model. I agree Anna it is extremely hard for you, as I myself can’t accept that she is no longer with us. We cannot understand the great things He does and to his miracles there’s no end. Job 9:10 But God will never abandon the faithful. He will let you laugh and shout again. She continues to live let’s celebrate her life.

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